Episode 261: Anxiety Bytes: Why Do We Feel the Need to Hide Our Anxiety?
Written By Kelli Walker
Join Kelli and Erica as they bring back Anxiety Bytes! Today we chat about the following question from one of our wonderful listeners: Why Do We Feel the Need to Hide Our Anxiety?
Transcript
00:00.00
kelliwalkercoaching
Hey guys welcome to not another anxiety show I'm your host Kelly Walker and joining me today is my co-host from coaching from abroad dotcom Erica Latham what's new lou.
00:12.48
erica
I'm never ready I'm never ready for your antics. So listen listen to me hello by the way. But I've been a little down I've been down I've got a lot going on in my life I'm sick some unknowingly how yet again and.
00:17.14
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, hello hello.
00:28.26
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, aren't we all this season my goodness right? like.
00:28.76
erica
And well I just told you before we hit record like I felt I I just have a head cold in the baby Jesus but I have a cough and it freaked me out. You know you hear like a tiny rattle in your chest and I'm like this is it and you know you just assume you have the consumption.
00:40.87
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah, because you just had a cough for like two months it's unyielding
00:47.14
erica
But for like you know? Yeah, do I have a pelvic floor. No anyway, so we need to like we're gonna light and breezy at it. We're gonna light breezy it and here's what I have for you, you ready? Okay knock knock.
01:00.39
kelliwalkercoaching
I'm so ready I could use this too. Um, who's there Yoda lady who.
01:06.97
erica
Yoda lady why are you why are you yodeling you're supposed to catch it before I had to do the odo in part but like you're you're supposed to be like oh erol yo you? yeah.
01:18.80
kelliwalkercoaching
You so you're not goingnna. Ah oh yo yo lay he who ah you know see you need you need to add the little innotation there that you just added could you just yotl for us 1 more time but I know yeah i.
01:25.62
erica
Me coming. Absolutely not I don't get paid enough on this podcast L O L We don't get paid at all. Oh I was forced to perform as a child My so.
01:37.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Yours Yours was much more beautiful than than mine. My voice is the flattest voice that's ever existed where you oh you had to sit? Oh so you were like a band.
01:48.40
erica
Was I had to sing with the latham family singers. Can you believe that that's a thing that existed. Yeah, it was a traveling act. No well it was like my grandfather's generation and they would perform at like nursing homes locally. But in my mind and in my family's mind because we all have ego problems.
01:57.51
kelliwalkercoaching
You're like good.
02:06.44
erica
We were the act we were the new von traps. It was like all of us kids and then my grandparents and their siblings. Oh it's my fair therapist is rich alexa If you're listening I'm so sorry. Yeah.
02:10.86
kelliwalkercoaching
I feel.
02:19.00
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, Alexa I love I had no idea we had um a famous singer here today. So gosh I'm feeling a little starched rock.
02:27.20
erica
Between somewhere over the rainbow and drill ye terriers drill which is a song. Ah yeah, it was all like world war 2 ballads or like depression ballads like brother can use paradigm.
02:33.43
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, okay I believe you um like God um.
02:42.99
erica
Really uplifting things 9 year olds know about anyway. So that's the that's how we're starting the show today welcome to now another anxiety show. Yeah.
02:46.19
kelliwalkercoaching
I I can't I can't believe I didn't know this oh my gosh. Yeah I think we could all use a little spring right now we're riding the waves of like you always post this beautiful meme about the 20 seasons that are new england and it's like you know winter fall spring.
03:01.84
erica
Um, yeah, winter with spring of my favorite is where where we're right now where it was because it was ° the other day here in troney or come of uncles in and so the the meme.
03:05.85
kelliwalkercoaching
Second winter second fall spring. Oh god and sunny. Yep.
03:16.50
erica
They shifted every time we have a new weather event and it said it was the spring of deception and then the next season is the potoling I don't know if you get that in New England and then it's actual spring and then I think summer and then it's like.
03:17.10
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah, this that's what it hits.
03:27.31
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, oh my God Yeah, the great pollinating. Don't forget the great pollinating where everything's coated and green. Yes.
03:32.55
erica
Oh so I'm so sorry, the great pollinating. Yeah and then somewhere in there is hell's front porch and then it's like fall second Summer fake fall winter winter and then it starts over anyway I'll post it I'll post it on if I remember somebody.
03:45.73
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, and then it starts all over so we're I know we're in like second winter we're supposed to get like four inches of snow tomorrow I know I know yes, no I'm gonna do an anti-sno dance. So um.
03:50.20
erica
Somebody messaged me and had me remember get out of here really wolf that works So hello anxiety B Y T E s.
04:01.78
kelliwalkercoaching
But you know we're bringing back anxiety bites today anxiety b y t e s because I don't remember how but I won that one we yeah oh it was the poly I was gonna say we rock paper scissor did or something.
04:09.45
erica
Okay, because we I yeah because I lost the poll. Yeah yeah, ah anyways, yeah so I have a question for yeah.
04:21.37
kelliwalkercoaching
Yes, so right? Anxiety bites is where we answer a question from you the listener and in presumably you know, less than 5 minutes but you know well l o well you know it's I can't take that kind of pressure.
04:27.46
erica
That's who L Ah I mean I used to set a timer but I think we're both gonna have I need to have a sip of my tea so I can wet my whistle. Um.
04:40.41
kelliwalkercoaching
You know I'll keep I'll keep in mind it's an anxiety by it's a fun challenge for me because one might say I'm very thorough or aka longwinded at times. So um, um, so so well you know we'll do our best but you know let's be honest now we don't need.
04:51.21
erica
What a fun stage name that is ah yeah, do you want me to set a timer I can I don't think we need I think this is a nice I think you're going to like this question and I think I might have something to say too If that's okay.
05:00.27
kelliwalkercoaching
We don't need the pressure of a timer.
05:05.79
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah of his yeah I'm so ready.
05:08.57
erica
Gasp. Okay are you ready? Okay, our listener says asks if you will following a recent quote setback or quote regression I've finally started telling some people about my anxiety.
05:14.99
kelliwalkercoaching
Prison.
05:26.38
erica
I have always kept it hidden from everyone but my sister and husband then in parentheses they say and sometimes my parents but I prefer not to worry them. Why is it that we feel the need to hide our anxiety do I Finally tell my colleagues my boss. My closest friends. And will they be annoyed that I've kept it hidden for so many years. Good luck ready go.
05:46.93
kelliwalkercoaching
Ready go this. This is a great question I think Erica you you brought this up earlier like this this is a theme that you know we feel and that we see right working with clients. You're like I'm really excited for for this question because this is so. Universal and I want to say first and foremost listener I know it. It can be heavy carrying around this struggle right? We've we've been there and I'm glad you're able to lean into a few people close to you for support. We're social creatures and other people are one of our biggest assets and sources of support. So you're being really.
06:10.21
erica
So oh yeah.
06:23.92
kelliwalkercoaching
Resourceful here like you're already doing a good job sometimes I can feel like we're not doing a good job but like you're being ah, you're doing a good job by leaning into the people that you do feel safe sharing your anxiety experience with but again, this is so universal. You're not alone in feeling the need to hide your anxiety. It really is. In part, a function of our biology. We are social creatures that rely on one another a fact that I know has been hard for me to accept from time to time but our our biology encourages us to avoid pain like potential rejection shame ridicule judgment. Or anything that threatens being disconnected from the social group that we rely on even today still for survival. But there's a balance to be had right? If if we completely hide our anxiety struggles and vulnerabilities. Then we're missing out on an incredibly valuable resource. Resource for healing and growing through connecting to others that make us feel heard and seen feeling heard and seen as like the love language of the nervous system for people of all ages, kids and adults alike and rejection really is a matter of when. Not if in this life there is some inherent risk in putting ourselves out there whether it's sharing our anxiety story applying to a new job going on that first date so it can really help at least for me, it helps me to kind of separate myself from rejection when it does happen.
07:55.86
kelliwalkercoaching
We're not our rejection. There are so many factors many of them that have nothing to do with who we truly are affecting any rejection but many of us become so identified with rejection that really, It's not just a fear of rejection. It's a fear of being less than we want to be or less. Then we think we should be in that at least from personal experiences you know some heavy shit. It's It's hard. That's some heavy shit. Um.
08:20.37
erica
I I wasn't ready I wasn't ready it. Oh sorry for my smoker's cough. It's a hard habit to break.
08:29.98
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, so it really it's It's a function of Biology. It's a balancing Act. It's sort of inherent just in our wiring we tend to move towards things that are pleasurable and enjoyable and we tend to try to kind of shy away or you know contract from things that are painful and. You know none of us want to feel the sting of rejection and we don't want to feel ashamed or judged it. It makes sense. Yeah that you would feel this way. What about you Eica What do you have to add um some kind.
08:57.91
erica
Well I'm so glad you asked because I have things to say the number 1 word as you're talking like the drumbeat in my head is the word shame.
09:10.66
kelliwalkercoaching
Off.
09:13.29
erica
And you know how I feel about our girlfriend Berne Brown I love you burnne I love you. She doesn't listen to this show but you know what for all I know it's the only show she listens to actually Hiberne I love you do you know
09:16.41
kelliwalkercoaching
We love her. We love you Benebra Just so you know.
09:26.48
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, who knows maybe we just keep saying her name. There's got to be some algorithm there. There's some. Ah yeah, me too. Yeah and some toppas Okay, go ahead.
09:30.45
erica
There's some manifestation right? like Berne Abraham I just want to have like a glass of wine with her. You know I'm off the sauce I'll have a glass of salt to with you anyho topless anyway, shame drives all of this.
09:42.86
kelliwalkercoaching
Topics.
09:49.46
erica
Sort of shadow fear around this I think not I think I think I don't think that I've I've learned that and I feel that you feel that like you and I both we talk about this like in our personal lives like we can feel like such shame and it drives us deeper underground.
09:50.32
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah. Um, yeah, yeah.
10:07.75
erica
But I do have something else to say as you're talking I was thinking in my personal life I've a person I'm a person who has come out if you will in a couple ways one as a you know gay woman single ladies anyway, um 2 But before that I air quotes came out as an anxious person.
10:13.29
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah.
10:25.30
kelliwalkercoaching
Right.
10:27.30
erica
And that's why I'm on this show. That's why I write. That's why I coach you know like all it it led to so many great things but that wasn't a guarantee and I see how terrifying that is it was It was so scary but connection is everything. There's also no.
10:34.20
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, right it was.
10:44.86
erica
Like you don't you're not forced to come out with this information and what Rene says about shame is like connections incredibly important. But if you need to keep that list of who you tell the story to to like 5 or 6 people or.
10:49.49
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, no.
11:01.13
erica
I think she says in like a one inch by one inch piece of paper in your wallet. You know that should be the list of people that you tell your your shit to I get to I get to say shit too if you get to say shit. Yeah e warning. Um, yeah.
11:06.19
kelliwalkercoaching
Right? Not everyone has earned the right? Yeah, you get to explicit or badasses say but but I think you're right right? Like we don't have to share. All the details with everyone. Not everyone has earned the right right to the details of our vulnerabilities right? We kind of have this this like expanding circle of vulnerability right? We have our tight little core that we share with and then maybe we have friends and then ah you know acquaintances then maybe professionally right? it's.
11:20.25
erica
No, right right? right.
11:33.16
erica
Yeah, but.
11:39.32
kelliwalkercoaching
It's not something we necessarily have to share with everyone and and for me it helped to know because again this this is really scary and being vulnerable sort of in the face of feeling self-judgment and self- shame like that is scary stuff and.
11:41.10
erica
Right? right.
11:56.67
kelliwalkercoaching
And it is experiential learning right? The more we kind of put ourselves out there. Um, with people that have earned the right to to witness our vulnerability um the more we're able to see.
12:06.16
erica
Yeah, yeah.
12:10.93
kelliwalkercoaching
How worth it. It worth it. It is right or feel how worth it. It is like when our listener here thinks about connecting to um I think she said right? Her sister was one of her people. Um, you know when you connect to somebody that is safe to you right? like.
12:11.32
erica
Yeah.
12:25.89
kelliwalkercoaching
How does it feel I know for me one of the first things I did when I was first having panic attacks and terrified I'd reach out to my husband or my mom there was like 2 people really that that I would call and really like feel like I was falling apart with on the phone but it would help my shoulders relax like I would feel somewhat contained and supported like.
12:39.75
erica
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:45.71
kelliwalkercoaching
There is so much to gain through connection. But that doesn't mean we have to overshare right? or or um or throw all of our vulnerabilities out there. We can do it sort of we can share everything we can share a little piece I know for me professionally it helped to know I could just share. Hey I'm working through this right now. Just so you know because it was you know for me, it was at a point and one of my jobs as a nurse that like I had to let my boss know because it was affecting work like it was just you know until then I didn't need to say anything but there was a point where it was affecting work and.
13:12.90
erica
Right? right.
13:22.49
kelliwalkercoaching
And that was really scary but I did trust my manager and I had some hope there and you know what it was a positive experience and it it let me work through it in that particular scenario but some of us don't have that kind of workplace and it's sort of weighing that balance right? like we don't all have a supportive safe work.
13:34.58
erica
Very true. Yeah.
13:40.55
kelliwalkercoaching
But some of us are in a toxic workplace you know, especially in certain fields. So I think you're onto it. Erica's like not everybody needs. You know, not every we don't need to share with with everybody to reap the benefits of like the healing connection and and whatnot.
13:41.42
erica
Yeah, yeah, well yeah.
13:54.31
erica
We don't. Yeah connections important and sometimes the people you would think are safest So I'm so happy this listener has their sister and their husband if you don't feel safe with your sister and your husband there are resources. We're a resource you know and.
14:04.96
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah, absolutely yeah, we're resourced.
14:13.77
erica
I Mean when I was going through my deep you know, shame around anxiety and really found like I mean I need to start doing this work I found you you know and then and then I was able to start talking to my friends and then I was able to talk to my family and then now I can't shut up about it I can't shut up but I had to give myself a break.
14:20.84
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yep.
14:30.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, right? yeah because it's scary. It does feel risky. It is hard to put ourselves out there especially when we're feeling really stretched and like and like it's really challenging you know and for me there were some.
14:33.56
erica
You know you know.
14:42.67
erica
Yeah, yeah.
14:49.24
kelliwalkercoaching
Close especially family like I really did receive like a lot of support and some close friends really surprised me with how non-judgmental and and helpful they were and and there were some really pleasant surprises in there and on the flip side. There was some um.
14:57.24
erica
Right? yeah.
15:07.64
kelliwalkercoaching
Well-intentioned support from family members but still still kind of lacking sort of like you know the silver linings or the at least stain or you know, kind of they mean well they mean well, but they they.
15:07.98
erica
Yeah, yeah.
15:14.83
erica
Yeah, they mean well god blossom bless their hearts. Yeah, but it is surprising when you find I mean first of all, this is I mean not surprising to us and most of the listeners of the show but it's kind of ubiquitous experience. Everybody has anxiety everybody goes through hard times.
15:31.45
kelliwalkercoaching
Everybody.
15:33.41
erica
So I think you'll be surprised if you say like I'm on whatever level of struggle bus I'm defining this as right now I think you'll be surprised find that people are like oh me too. Or oh I've done I've been there or you know and if they can't hold that then you go. Okay, thank you and you move on to the next person. It's fine.
15:38.90
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah, yeah.
15:48.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, and I think something that helps with that or at least helped me with that right? because there are let's be real. There are going to be moments like where people don't understand like I remember first seeing my primary care provider who I do not see anymore. Um, but when I first started struggling with anxiety and panic attacks like she was downright rude and judgmental and unkind like like cruel like I I was like what what is happening right? because sometimes there is a complete lack of understanding and ignorance and judgment like those.
16:05.66
erica
Ah, there.
16:09.45
erica
Same Yes, yeah.
16:24.90
kelliwalkercoaching
Things happen in life. They do like nothing is going to insulate us entirely from that. But I think what can help kind of quiet that shame or kind of quiet. The ego that tells us we're not enough especially in that sort of situation. Yeah.
16:28.60
erica
Yeah, yeah.
16:37.72
erica
Are you gonna stay for you to say the Seaw Wordd oh girl say the seaw wordd o e yep.
16:43.66
kelliwalkercoaching
I'm gonna say the sea word self-compassion work is magical and reconnecting reconnecting because when we're kids we know we're we don't even question if we're awesome when we're when we're a little kids. We don't care. You know like it's like we're just we're crushing it that you.
16:59.17
erica
Ah, yeah, oh.
17:02.70
kelliwalkercoaching
My kids hand me a piece of artwork I'm like oh cool, what is that tell me about it because I don't know what that is and they're like they're like this is da vinci. You know like a work of art to them like this is and you know we with that enoughness.
17:13.49
erica
Yeah, yeah.
17:19.83
kelliwalkercoaching
Is there. It's just about reconnecting with it. It gets buried under these narratives and these beliefs and the stuff that you know our caregivers or teachers or bullies or whatever instill in us along the way right? It's not really ours. It's just stuff.
17:32.70
erica
Yeah.
17:36.99
kelliwalkercoaching
It's layers. We pick up on and self-compassion lets us sort of shed some of those layers so that we can reconnect with our enoughness right? and Dr Kristin Neff has some really she's she's really wonderful. She's done so much. Um, research and like practical application of.
17:46.16
erica
Love her.
17:56.23
kelliwalkercoaching
Self-compassion work just one of which is like lovingkindness meditations. But there are so many more practices there and um I think like the wonderful thing about like self-compassion practice is that it it sort of allows us to reap. Some of the same benefits of high self-esteem but without the downsides like high self-esteem stands to be the Narcis I was going to say narcissism and like the sort of wavering contingency on external factors right? like high self-esteem is yeah.
18:19.62
erica
Ah, without the narcissism. Yeah.
18:26.14
erica
Oh say that sentence again that is the name of my new memoir. Yes I contingency on external factors.
18:32.67
kelliwalkercoaching
Right? Like when well yeah, high self-esteem like it means our enoughness really is contingent on if we did a good job on that test if you know we were perfect quote unquote on that first date right? or.
18:43.87
erica
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:52.20
kelliwalkercoaching
It's so contingent. It's so fragile right? It's not sustainable and we so yes, she's I mean she's wonderful and and research indicates that self-compassion is like strongly associated with psychological wellbeing right? it's.
18:53.57
erica
Shit I'm gonna have to read her book again. Oh no, oh no, she's so great.
19:07.86
erica
It's It's really annoying I Just want to say it's annoying that it's self-compassion. It's like self-compassion all along I'm furious I want it to be a pill I want it to be in some weird way I wanted to be that there's something wrong with me like I couldn't possibly be just kind to not even kind.
19:10.24
kelliwalkercoaching
It's annoying. Um, yeah, yeah.
19:25.30
erica
Like a step below kind just like not a jerk to myself. Yeah, sometimes yeah.
19:25.32
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, just warm. Yeah, just not a jerk like some some intention of warmth you know and like self-compassion isn't right high self-esteem is I'm awesome like 1 of my kids is so competitive and she's like ah.
19:34.75
erica
Yeah, right, right? That's different is that the one that is that the one that says I wasn't going to say sociopath but here we are.
19:42.31
kelliwalkercoaching
And better at that and until so feel she so few her name Sophie know she's really wonder she really is sweet. My other kid is just so inherently sensitive and compassionate and and cut. You know they're identical twins.
19:57.32
erica
You're saying she's sweet because she's listening to and you're afraid of her.
20:00.13
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, yeah, no, she's so sweet, but it's like you can see already sort of that little ego creeping up that we all have right? and and how like just how unsustainable self-esteem is it's just not sustainable whereas like self-compassion really.
20:04.63
erica
Yeah.
20:11.28
erica
Yeah, right? yeah.
20:17.57
kelliwalkercoaching
Leads to increase feelings of happiness Curiosity connectedness and decreased anxiety rumination and decreased fear of failure right? So it sort of gives us this like this um, solid ground to stand on is like the storms of life come in.
20:24.49
erica
Yeah, yeah.
20:34.64
kelliwalkercoaching
Smack us right? like we get rejected by by a job. We get rejected by a date or a friend right? like whosh smack kick like it gives us sort of this solid ground and like you said Eric I think um so many of us are like.
20:39.82
erica
And the.
20:54.20
kelliwalkercoaching
Maybe dismissive of it right? like worsts? yeah.
20:54.76
erica
Oh not some of us and not questioning 100% this is the thing that when I'm having one of those days where I'm you know I can't do anything right? and I'm such a jerk and my it's the last thing I'm like self-compassion my ass like there's no way. But.
21:06.47
kelliwalkercoaching
So overlooked. Yeah.
21:14.62
erica
That it when you know whenever my frontal low Crook cranks back in the gear that is the thing and it is so hard to see until you do it until you see that there's like a result at the end of this if you will yeah you you.
21:17.30
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah.
21:29.72
kelliwalkercoaching
Experiential learning. Yeah, it's it's right We have to do it and feel it to see it. Otherwise it can almost feel. Um, ah.
21:33.28
erica
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:42.30
kelliwalkercoaching
Counterintuitive I Guess it can feel counterintuitive if we've been trying to beat ourselves into a better version but let me I just want to share it from like a biological perspective right? like your nervous system if if well our are nervous. Our Royal Royal your if you think of your nervous system.
21:43.88
erica
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, lay it on me there spill my your nervous system. Sorry sorry sorry ah.
22:01.26
erica
Yeah.
22:01.83
kelliwalkercoaching
You know or um, for those of you that have kids nieces nephews. Sometimes it's easier to sort of understand it through that lens first. But like if you see a kid like Erica you have 3 wonderful nieces right? Like if 1 of them is upset or scared like how does their nervous system respond if we're like.
22:12.50
erica
Yeah, yeah.
22:20.11
erica
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:20.57
kelliwalkercoaching
Come on, get it Together. Don't be a baby if we meet them with shame and judgment versus like yeah hey I hear you you know we? Ah, we all get scared. It's it's normal to feel scared like I can literally feel that nervous system response in my body if we meet ourselves with some kind of like. Warmth and compassion and Understanding. It doesn't have to be much more than that. Our nervous system is like oh okay, let me regulate a little bit I can downregulate I can be in rest and digest and when we shame ourselves. It's like Q fight or flight like cue all the stress hormones.
22:44.43
erica
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it's really that simple. Well yeah, but it's it's it seems so lame and I mean that in like the nicest way it seems so lame. It's the most powerful tool we have right.
22:56.21
kelliwalkercoaching
It just doesn't work.
23:02.24
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah I know yeah yeah, and it's the one we often overlook and and dismiss like how could this possibly so that's you know Dr. Kristin Neff has great. We don't.
23:09.83
erica
It's wild. Yeah yeah, ah it's a good book though. Yeah, her website is incredible. Yeah.
23:17.67
kelliwalkercoaching
We don't have to read the whole book. She's got nice articles on there. She's like in Bbc there's like short published articles her websites. Yeah, it's great like if you don't have the bandwidth or the time right? or the accessibility to like read a book. Yeah or an audible write like and you can get the audible but there's.
23:27.60
erica
Yeah, get an audible. Yeah yeah, but I think she's I know she's on Facebook I think she's on it have we had her on the show, get her on the show but also can I can I be on there too.
23:36.51
kelliwalkercoaching
No, but we should okay making a note right now. Yeah, she's agreed she's done cool work and she has like she's like bite size pieces on Instagram right? where they're just just to sort of lean into it and see what you know.
23:44.60
erica
I Just think she's really cool.
23:50.17
erica
Yeah.
23:56.82
kelliwalkercoaching
Listener and others notice for themselves like we can think of it as an experiment you don't have to take our word for it I wouldn't take somebody's word for it until I actually started practicing right and experiencing like oh Wow Okay, selfassion's not necessarily ooey gooey but practical in so many senses and.
24:04.57
erica
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:12.96
erica
Um, this is um, you remember a few weeks ago when or whenever I don't time is stopped when I put the dresser together wrong. You know the whole thing and I called myself a silly goose like I signed up for therapy because I was worried about myself. But my therapist was like oh.
24:19.37
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, yes, silly cu I know and you're like what.
24:30.92
erica
That's self-compassion like oh gross. Um, yeah, yeah I was like worried like am I driving infection am I Okay yeah, but no, that's the real thing and that's you know we talk about it in our businesses. We talk about it in our personal lives like in practice. But.
24:31.73
kelliwalkercoaching
And you're like oh it came naturally I didn't even have to force it that time right? like this came out of the abyss. What.
24:49.58
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, yeah.
24:50.31
erica
But when you actually do it and it just happens you're like am I like almost too great like am I feeling am I like a buddha.
24:56.90
kelliwalkercoaching
It's like oh my god I've enlightened now. But it's you know it's funny even like two days ago I was just I was doing like a bunch of new stuff for my business and like I was having a meeting with this new team for this like. Clinical trial I'm working on and I had a new guest on the podcast and it was all this like new stuff and I know for me when I'm trying something new sometimes that like I'm a recovering perfectionist and that will sort of creep in like you know like.
25:23.72
erica
Yeah, yeah.
25:27.66
kelliwalkercoaching
Was it perfect. How did I sound How did I do do I Really deserve a seat at that table I don't know all those people seem real smart and real credentialed and fancy. You know all that stuff comes up and I was like you know what I could really use me some lovingkindness meditation directed.
25:30.32
erica
We. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:43.30
erica
Her.
25:46.55
kelliwalkercoaching
I mean I know you're supposed to send it partway through the meditation. It's like oh you can send it to another person or to everybody I'm like I'm keeping it all for me today like I was yeah oh Queen Queen of lovingkindness.
25:49.57
erica
Oh you send it to yourself. Yeah, the first thing you do is you send it to yourself. You know our best friend of life partner Sharon Salzberg is the queen of loving kindness and she's got a million. She has a podcast if you want something for free hop on Sharon Salzberg's little bandwagon. She's got 1000000 of those.
26:06.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, yeah, exactly and it's it really? It's a practice like it's really sort of awkward like learning to ride a bike at first you definitely? ah I didn't feel the benefits right away and it really was like.
26:09.15
erica
Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah yeah.
26:18.98
kelliwalkercoaching
There's no way to explain it like you can read about it but actually getting a feel for it. It's similar to riding a bike. You can read about riding a bike but to actually find like that perfect balance that lets you like my kids are learning to ride a bike right now. So I'm using this metaphor. But oh my oh my God Really it was.
26:20.16
erica
I know.
26:29.74
erica
Remember when you learned to ride a bike as an adult and it Shooketh me remember.
26:37.66
kelliwalkercoaching
I was on these like triple wide rail trails and my husband would be riding next me like don't come too close like get me sp. He's like get get over there. You're making me anxious and now I'm the breaky news and now I'm riding like these single track like Rudy Rocky
26:42.95
erica
Um, I just it's like the the breaking news of 2023
26:53.86
erica
And you would you would be like I learned to ride a bike a year ago and then I'm gonna do mountain but like extreme mountain bike wide. Ah.
26:55.71
kelliwalkercoaching
Else.
26:59.28
kelliwalkercoaching
All my friends trying I'm like absolutely not I'm 36 my prefrontal cortex is like well established I know that like I can break my neck now this she's like let's do let's go to Highland and do downhill I'm like is that like skiing downhill but biking. She's like yeah.
27:12.18
erica
O. No Jumps your bones are made of glass at 30 sixs get out of here. No So unfriend take that person off that little tiny list. That's what you do.
27:17.46
kelliwalkercoaching
Jumps I'm like absolutely not I'm like jumps up im like I'm 30 So I'm 36 like I don't want to break my pelvis. But.
27:32.43
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, like like oh my gosh. no no way but you know I'll meet you at Bear Brook which is you just couple little hills we'll we'll do that. We'll do that.
27:32.68
erica
No sir.
27:39.60
erica
And ah air brook is my stage name anyway, um I love this shame, etc, compassion, etc. Renee Brown love her kristin neff love her Sharon Salzberg
27:43.46
kelliwalkercoaching
And so that's what that's what I have yeah Rene Brown Dr Berne brown Dr Kristen Neff yeah yeah sure ah
27:57.32
erica
Boom did a podcast boom shit Oh Oo sorry I had to say it again I had to we did I know we're getting in so much trouble I know I know and I.
28:03.59
kelliwalkercoaching
Oh man I know we had a couple in there getting. We're feeling spicy today. It's Friday we're feeling spicy. Ah.
28:15.45
erica
Just got a mattress delivered right? before we hit recording I'm still out of breath from it. So like I'm excited though. Oh does it take a while stop I threw my other mattress away already and.
28:19.00
kelliwalkercoaching
I know you got to go pop that thing open so it can fully and inflate doesn't it take up to 24 hours oh
28:33.24
erica
Oh a nurse. Oh I got to go look at my I don't know Dream Cloud Mattress or some garbage. It's gonna be great dream Cloud If you want to support us food not supported by Dream cloud.
28:33.56
kelliwalkercoaching
I could be wrong I could be making that up I could be making that up I don't know. All right? Erica's got you got to go pop your vacuum sealed mattress so it can inflate. Not so image dream me too. That is our episode. Thanks so much for tuning in today if you're enjoying the show please subscribe and take a minute to write a review on Itunes.
28:49.34
erica
Okay, well I Love this episode I really did actually myself.
28:59.71
kelliwalkercoaching
So we can reach and support more people if you're looking for one-on-one coaching or have a question you'd like answer on the show. Please visit notanotheranxietyshow.com. You can also get a discount on your first coaching package there by subscribing to my newsletter and until next time remember be kind to yourself.
