Episode 267: Anxiety in Sheep’s Clothing
Join Kelli and Erica as they chat about the tricky nature of anxiety and how they recently got bamboozled by it, as well as helpful reminders and more!
To tune into the episode, listen on iTunes or Spotify.
Transcript
00:00.00
kelliwalkercoaching
Hey guys welcome to not another anxiety show I'm your host Kelly Walker and joining me today is my co-host from coaching from abroad dotcom Erica Latham hey girl.
00:01.30
erica
Been dead.
00:11.87
erica
I'm fully crying laughing fully the the the egress into this show today. Wow wait wait wait wait wait wait well no and I'll tell the joke in a second. But ah what.
00:17.75
kelliwalkercoaching
I know so guys I'm gonna share First you have a joke. Don't you.
00:29.92
erica
Ah, what's what's bacon sneak and no, that's not right? What's ah yeah, whatever hear right.
00:34.33
kelliwalkercoaching
So good. Oh that leads me into my story that literally happened 5 minutes so I'm trying to lean into all my grounding exercises all my mindfulness skills because my um, my illusion of safety has been shattered I was in my workout room this morning. Not. Not 10 minutes ago when I heard a very distinct rattling noise and I'm like that's so weird. What is that lift curtain to utility room and there is a timber rattlesnake.
00:56.96
erica
Oh no, and.
01:07.39
erica
I have 900 follow up questions. First of all, but well.
01:11.80
kelliwalkercoaching
I live in New Hampshire statistically that is not supposed to happen and you know what guys this is why statistics don't work for those of us that struggle with anxiety because there is always a chance that you will encounter a timber rattlesnake.
01:24.13
erica
Ah, it's some true Oh is this whole episode like a trigger warning for.
01:29.00
kelliwalkercoaching
In the great white north of New Hampshire where there's does anybody else have I think I haven't really shared this but like I have a deep seated primal fear of snakes since I studied abroad in Kenya and had to do yeah I to do like black momba checks.
01:36.34
erica
But. Which brought sorry I'm sorry.
01:47.60
kelliwalkercoaching
If you don't know black mombas are one of the most poisonous snakes in the whole wide world and they're also very fast and I lived there for like four months got out alive only to develop a safe haven here in New Hampshire not and here I am threatened again. The presence of poisonous snakes right? after this episode I'm calling fishing game apparently they're critically endangered and they'll come take care of them for free. So I have a plan guys I have a plan. Yeah oh it's here's here's what I'm hoping one. It's like a dilap but.
02:07.86
erica
I would have wouldnt of I would have let the house on fire. But first of all, you have workout where money I mean that's the first problem I have. <unk>pidate data copied. It.
02:22.30
kelliwalkercoaching
Taated late dilapidated. It is a dilapidated exterior like garage building that's literally falling off of its foundation. My husband hates looking at it every day but you know I've let it stay. It's It's absolutely not structurally safe at all.
02:33.75
erica
Um.
02:36.60
erica
Sound safe. It sounds I work in insurance you know I shouldn't know these things but.
02:41.85
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, at all and like yeah Shh Pretend Mom's the word does hippa apply with insurance. But but guys this this is my reason to burn down this structure and maybe.
02:50.80
erica
Ah, um, are.
02:58.21
erica
She's Mary and Joseph if it Burns down. It's a complete accident f by Fbi like just oh nerve draw me to like in in the third grade for some reason at like the little.
02:59.92
kelliwalkercoaching
And know. Yeah, no, it's true. It's true. Well maybe somehow someway we be allowed to burn it down because there's snakes and then insurance look new one.
03:15.59
erica
After school care thing I want to they played the movie Arachnophobia so I haven't been the same since I'm but I know where all of my anxiety comes from and it was that day. Um, but I will happily.
03:20.27
kelliwalkercoaching
What That's absolutely not Okay, ah and it's that movie.
03:31.40
erica
Um, John Goodman your garage for you which is to wear a flame throwing backpack in like a ghost buster outfit and just take that bitch to the ground excuse my language anyway and I just.
03:36.45
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, please, let's do it and well because there's no other choice now. Let's be honest and you know I know we have a lot of like listeners from Australia and stuff and they're probably listening and like.
03:49.91
erica
Yes, we do no, it's not you need to move out of Australia that country is trying to kill you.
03:51.72
kelliwalkercoaching
But guys it's all relative. It's just it's and it's like I'm I'm so soft. It's like I have these soft sensitive hands because listen I don't have anything poisonous here. This is very jarry.
04:03.22
erica
Smoke soft. Ah, what do we think our our friends in Australia do they like wake up and like choose violence like a this fight of Kangaroo and like ah.
04:11.63
kelliwalkercoaching
Choose I choose violence they wear. They clearly listen please listeners from Australia. Do you just wear a flamerowing backpack everywhere. We need to know how do you cope with the anxieties of a hundred different poisonous species.
04:25.33
erica
Ah, ah, it's just they look at us and they go Well, you know at least we don't have this and they point to any number of things that we have going on but you know, um, we need to we need to get episode type. But um.
04:30.78
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, yeah, that's probably true. That's probably true. So this.
04:42.90
kelliwalkercoaching
Oh my god.
04:42.56
erica
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not funny. It's just the way you like when I when we signed into our little podcast thing here and you were like listen and he just launched into this whole like what the hell's going on here. Are you? Okay, you're not You also like who listed you hear a rattle.
04:48.95
kelliwalkercoaching
Listen was what's happened no snakes I can't.
05:02.12
erica
Like Snake is or what oh snakes rattle who Li who looks for it who but.
05:06.30
kelliwalkercoaching
Well because Erica it wasn't supposed to be a rattlesnake I live in New Hampshire like it didn't even register like oh hey, there's there's maybe a rattlesnake behind this curt and I'm like is the is like the circuitry or the electricity short circuit.
05:23.98
erica
Oh no, okay well burn it to the ground who cares if it's end dangering I'm what.
05:24.27
kelliwalkercoaching
That's such a weird noise. What is that and it was so it's burn it to the ground and it's very fitting because I'll tell you what this this episode is really all about sharing how I got bamboozled not by the snake but also yes by the snake not a mere 20 minutes ago Um, but you know I I thought this would be a good episode to share because I think so many times if we sort of get sucked back into an anxiety Cycle. We see it as like a failure or a step backwards and we forget that like if we just.
05:44.20
erica
Yay.
05:59.41
kelliwalkercoaching
Simply don't have the awareness which we don't have the wherewithal all the time because we're human, anybody sort of has the potential to like get sucked into this anxiety cycle and and that's what I'm here to share is like listen I got bemboozled and it happens and.
06:12.65
erica
And happens to every single person on earth.
06:18.86
kelliwalkercoaching
Really, it was it was a couple weeks ago now like obsessing and ruminating grabbed a hold of me before I even knew what was happening and I don't like I don't know that the context is super important but like I interviewed for a position and after you know, kind of naturally I guess worrying for being honest. Will or I won't I get the position I was presented with an offer right with some really exciting nurse coaching contract work that I had been hoping for um but the company wanted me to commit to kind of it was a little more weekly hours than I really had available but me and my ego you know. We were very excited and I think part of the excitement you know, like there was obviously some fear of scarcity there and anticipation and worry. But there was also like the feel good emotion of excitement. So I think it was kind of easy to sort of get pulled in um because the the excitement masked a lot of the stuff here.
07:14.46
erica
All they feel the same sometimes you know.
07:16.22
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, they feel this They're very similar right? like just that sort of hyped energy and um and but with sort of that excitement masking it. This got rutted fast and I just didn't realize what was happening until. Started feeling anxiety in my body until it kind of started affecting my sleep and so instead of like a wolf in sheep's clothing I like to call it like anxiety and sheep's clothing like sometimes it looks completely innocuous or innocuous innoculus. But.
07:43.23
erica
Everything.
07:50.37
erica
Tomato Tomato You just all snake you can say whatever you want free pass.
07:51.44
kelliwalkercoaching
Tomato Tomato Sometimes it looks complete I can say whatever I want's I'm still recovering right? Um, you know sometimes we don't even see it for what it is right? It looks very innocent. Innocuous Um, but before we know it, we get redded. And that's what happens when we're human. Yeah.
08:11.84
erica
Yeah, ah, what's the difference between innocuous and benign is there a difference I feel like I should know I'm smart I have access to Google it's fine. We'll look it up later. Um.
08:17.44
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, innocuous. Yeah I think they probably are pretty synonymous I bet if you look up innocuous benign I'll be down the list I mean it might be number like 30 but I bet it's on there I bet it's on there. Yeah, so.
08:27.95
erica
Ah, all right I Love this and I love the reminder that you and I are human and this is an emotion and it moves.
08:37.79
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, yeah, and it moves.
08:44.94
erica
And we can get caught in it I have my own examples but I want to hear more about what you went through here.
08:51.45
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, you know for me, it was just sort of this this reminder was solidified right? like even when we struggle even when we get caught in the anxiety cycle. It can be really discouraging. It can be really frustrating but often. There is sort of a takeaway like a learned experience that we can kind of internalize you know and and really um, set into our memories so that we remember going forward right? Like next time I feel sort of that same frenzied excited but also sort of constricted anxiety excitement. I'll wake up a little sooner. But for me this was a reminder that right? you know I was I was acting with a sense of urgency right? to think things through like how am I gonna make it work I can move this around this around this around. Oh my god but what if halloween happens on a Tuesday and I'm working on a Tuesday what am I gonna do that right? like.
09:35.40
erica
You can.
09:45.28
erica
Um, yeah, big big. What Ifs huge one If yeah.
09:47.40
kelliwalkercoaching
Just big what ifs right? Big big what ifs and like 5000 steps ahead and none of us are equipped to deal with 5000 steps ahead if any of us are trying to deal. 5000 steps ahead. We're going to feel overwhelmed because we don't have all the data yet to even make a choice or a decision or a plan. So we're not feeling overwhelmed because we're um, incapable we're feeling overwhelmed because we're just not designed to plan 5000 steps ahead. We. We don't have the capacity. We don't have the information we don't have the data.
10:19.81
erica
But the crazy not crazy. The fascinating thing is that curious. Thank you The curious thing of yes, let's let's lean into our curiosity. The interesting thing is that the part of our brain that wants to do those what? ifs.
10:20.92
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, but.
10:26.75
kelliwalkercoaching
The curious I Love how you change. Ah, the curious thing right? The fascinating the interesting. Yeah.
10:39.77
erica
Really tells us really tries to convince us that we do have the data So it's like no no, you're good. You're good. Let's let's fight about this in the shower. You know.
10:41.64
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, right? And what we don't realize is like our brain is just filling in the gaps you know and that's not that's just completely subjective. It's just based on our best guess it's based on on. Ah, past experiences in memory not actual data but our brain really likes to try to rectify um discrepancies in knowledge and this is I was reading something interesting that there's 2 types of curiosity. There's interest curiosity which is sort of like huh. You know I wonder. And wonder what women wore in the early nineteen hundreds let me look it up like what was the culture like in nineteen Hundreds aristocracy england get out like that's that's ah yeah, um, yeah, yeah, well.
11:23.12
erica
Are you like hanging out with me when I watch movies like all I do is pause and Google pause and Google like what was alexander ham andton doing what.
11:33.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Here's the thing Erica that's deprivation curiosity deprivation is it. That's literally the exact example that Dr Jud brewer gives like if you like if you um or maybe not exactly that. But like if you can't remember an actor's name or like.
11:40.69
erica
Love him.
11:52.50
kelliwalkercoaching
You're kind of wanting information right now there's deprivation curiosity and that's sort of the constricted tight curiosity the itch like I need to scratch that itch right now I need to know the answer I need to reconcile the information right now and what I think is interesting is that the. Interest curiosity tends to be sort of intrinsically rewarding so it's something that we can lean into and it kind of steps us out of this anxiety cycle while being intrinsically rewarding it triggers dopamine release just in the same way engaging like ruminating or worrying right? It hits that dopamine. Response so does interest curiosity. So there's 2 different kinds which I thought was was interesting. Um, and for me I think I think what I don't always realize when I'm caught in that place like I got to think things through I got to figure it out. Um is that you know when we. Respond to a sense of urgency with more urgency. We're actually really innocently perpetuating that anxiety cycle and simultaneously inhibiting our ability to make a decision or see things clearly because frenzy just feeds more frenzy and decision. Like decisions made from scarcity breed more scarcity. That's what the scarcity trap is all about And honestly, if you look at it from a biological perspective certain behaviors of ours queue danger to our brains and bodies which then cue the fight or flight response behaviors like avoidance suppression.
13:22.31
kelliwalkercoaching
Or reacting with a sense of urgency or frenzy. So as we react with more urgency wequee more danger more anxious thoughts more physical anxiety symptoms which we then react to with more urgency right? queuing more danger more anxious thoughts etc becomes this self-perpetuating cycle where something like. Accepting a job that we're you know, initially excited about very quickly goes from you know important and a value um to like do or die and we are. We are not wired to solve anything from a place of do or die our cognitive processing emotional regulation and perspective.
13:41.14
erica
The.
14:00.49
kelliwalkercoaching
Are disrupted. You know the only thing we're wired to do from a do or die place is react in order to survive and boy dewey so that was sort of like my lesson. My reminder my takeaway so that you know sort of some of that you know mild to moderate struggling.
14:05.27
erica
Yeah, and boy do we.
14:20.30
kelliwalkercoaching
Was not for nothing. It was sort of my takeaway. My reminder that Okay, when when there is a discrepancy in knowledge when I don't know the answer entirely that sometimes taking a step back slowing things down even though it's really counterintuitive or um, you know as my therapist says. Putting it on a shelf or in a container for for a time right? like no no, not at All. It's like when I'm just so tired I feel like a tall toddler like that I just need to take a power nap a power nap.
14:42.36
erica
Yeah, yeah, it's not pushing it away and it's not ah burying it. It's it's placing it somewhere else to deal with when we're more fully online.
14:58.21
erica
Ah, a tall toddler. You are a tall toddler. Yeah yeah snack.
14:59.35
kelliwalkercoaching
A tall toddler like it's just I'm a tall like a power nap just needs to happen first things first and then everything comes back online 9 times out of 10 if I'm like oh man, what do I need. It's like I just need a quick nap just a quick little little snack and a nap little little nay nap.
15:16.66
erica
He.
15:18.51
kelliwalkercoaching
Even just 10 minutes we'll call it quote unquote meditation the first three minutes start out as meditation and then it devolves to a nap but feels good.
15:23.39
erica
Is that like your coaching outline I feel like it's mine like let's try this. Let's do this have you taken a nap.
15:30.41
kelliwalkercoaching
Have you had a snack nap and snack. Those are the first 2 go tos napping a snack I mean there we go guys I think we just.
15:37.77
erica
Oh my gosh I feel like ah you made me question my like googling during a movie Habit Urgent and I need to know whether.
15:43.44
kelliwalkercoaching
Well I think it depends how it feels right? like have you ever it feels urgent. It's the deprivation curiosity.
15:53.40
erica
I need to know if Leslie Odom Jr was in of Hamilton Fame was in oh shit, what was he I just looked it up. What was I feel like my brain is like a colander right now. What maybe I need an app.
15:59.42
kelliwalkercoaching
Look look and now do feel some deprivation. You feel some urgency you're like I need to know? Yeah, and maybe I don't we all don't we all just need a siesta every day.
16:16.81
erica
Ah, Murder on the orient express. That's what he was in. Okay, we can move on with our day. No I just I like literally like had to like pinch the bridge of my nose to like think about it. Oh my god.
16:18.41
kelliwalkercoaching
Did you just look it up or did it come to your.
16:26.34
kelliwalkercoaching
To think about it. So that's right like if it feels and this is somewhere we can kind of play with um, like pruning this anxiety cycle in lower stakes is like if you're feeling that urgent thing I just need to right I need to Google that I need to know that.
16:39.59
erica
Yeah, yeah.
16:43.55
kelliwalkercoaching
This is a chance to sort of slow down right? Slow down breathe all the way down to your butt. You know what? I mean like just breathe into your whole body like usually we're clenching our butt These weren't in the notes I'm sorry guys.
16:49.11
erica
I agree with you but you really catch me off guard today I usually know what you're gonna say know the new you know, listen you give me a couple notes. But yeah, you can do a lot in propv. But.
17:00.86
kelliwalkercoaching
I Know these were in the notes. There's a lot of Improv happening.
17:08.40
erica
I've known you so long I know like your next line typically wouldn't got me good okay breathe in here. But when you move with that.
17:10.91
kelliwalkercoaching
You got to breathe breathe into your breathe into your butt you breathe in your butt Your our butts usually were like clench in our Butt. We don't even know it and you know or me like I'm literally hunched over like a shrimp like really like a ninety degree angle and it's Like. God No Wonder why? my body's in fight or flight mode like I'm making myself really small when we constrict and make ourselves Small. It's like Danger Danger hide from Tiger like just from the way we hold our hold our body so it might sound simple or easy. It's not because our brain is.
17:32.19
erica
Um, yes, yep, boom.
17:46.13
erica
Um, it's yeah um.
17:46.87
kelliwalkercoaching
Like 1 big old siren song at the moment but just giving yourself a second like all right, let me just slow down I recognize what's happening let me breathe in my butt. Let me stretch or open up like.
17:59.74
erica
Um I um, the shrimp is really sticking with me. Um, it's like why does Mark back hurt.
18:02.27
kelliwalkercoaching
Have you seen that meme. It's a it's a shrimp. It's literally a picture of a shrimp and it goes why my back be her and like it's like well because I'm sitting at a ninety degree angle like no wonder.
18:11.62
erica
Why am I back being hearded. Yeah um, speaking of power poses may I tell you my reaction my reactivity day My my reactive day my snake day if you will.
18:24.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Yes I would love to hear your reactivity day. Ah.
18:29.27
erica
Um I can't remember if we mentioned this in the last show. So I'm gonna say it again and I'm so sorry if we talked about it. But um I had a little bit of ah, a disappointing moment a couple weeks ago um where I had applied to school I was gonna go back to school as we all do these days.
18:45.29
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah.
18:47.74
erica
And ah because I'm I'm really interested in therapy. So I want to be a therapist. Oh my God Um and I didn't get in to this one particular school I know you were you were more upset than I was but um, the the.
19:04.52
kelliwalkercoaching
I was like she seems so she seems okay, she's you did? Yeah, you absolutely did.
19:05.36
erica
It's not funny. It's obviously very patent is I yeah was well. You know I processed my things you know and and I think this is a good time to remind our audience like we you and I process things with our therapeutic tools with each other. You know we're like our emotional support coaches. You know.
19:18.85
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, for yeah yeah, yeah, we move through it first.
19:24.43
erica
And so we've dealt with all of this. But um I had this you know there was a lot of shame that wellled up. There was a lot of like what the what ifs were like cranked to 10 You know it was um the not good enough. The imposter syndromes the you know all of the things happened at once.
19:35.15
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah.
19:40.58
kelliwalkercoaching
Oh absolutely did a all I can say is dit of that's what my experience was too. You're describing my experience. It's like we're 2 humans universal yeah.
19:44.50
erica
But but yeah, right? and then it would yeah it's like it's almost like the human experience is kind of like ubiquitous um that well that sort of heat that rises up in your neck. But I have to say because you know this is my thing. I Always look for the humor in whatever Moment. What is that a healthy healthy coping unit mechanism were yet to be determined. But um, what I knew I was getting that letter that day because I get that post office email I don't know how I signed up for this.
20:03.14
kelliwalkercoaching
He had it.
20:18.68
erica
That tells me in the morning. What I'm going to get that day I don't ask questions So I knew I'm getting I was getting this letter and so I waited for the mail man like a little kid. It was like this in retrospect is's very funny to me and oh like have my like internal families. Yeah yeah.
20:29.90
kelliwalkercoaching
I just see third Grade Erica like wait at the mailbox you know like I just I see a little inner child there just wait and we're in some overalls because it's the 90 s you know some osh scosh. Yeah.
20:38.33
erica
Oh we We have done some therapy on this. So my hair was huge. My hair was ginormous and I'm just like wait I like see him as I like kick the door down like grab this poor man in his little short shorts and I was like listen to me, you have this letter and he's like oh great I'm like do you want to stand here and oh.
20:52.40
kelliwalkercoaching
Give me.
20:58.12
erica
But open it with me I think it's an acceptance letter to russells age college in Troy and he was like not really and I'm like so I ri it open anyway like non consensual envelope opening and and it's like it a like just like 1 word. It's like no and my face falls at the speed of sound and.
20:58.15
kelliwalkercoaching
No.
21:07.24
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah.
21:13.82
kelliwalkercoaching
Yes, yeah, ah I could feel it is.
21:17.25
erica
This guy loves me. He's like all and he he forgives me this like very like he had to reach. That's how far away he was he'd like barely tap me on the shoulder and he's like their loss and then he moonwalk Slash Navy Seal dove out of his conversation.
21:24.85
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, there there.
21:33.95
erica
I have now I think he got transferred to Utah like he has never been seen again. It was so awkward for him. You should you should no no, no but like you can it. Both can be true at the same time right? So even with your like um, shame wash.
21:35.48
kelliwalkercoaching
It Ah I'm sorry I'm not laughing at the shame and the rejection but it could be both. Yeah, it's the both.
21:51.45
kelliwalkercoaching
Yes, we did no.
21:53.10
erica
You and I had a good laugh you know and it's it's not. We're not again, we're not laughing at it and it's okay to respect that and then you should lean into the sadness because it's just an emotion and it does pass. It will pass and it did pass but that that urgency that feeling of everything is shit I'm shit you know, just.
22:01.10
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah.
22:08.93
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, yeah.
22:12.54
erica
Everything coming up at once feels so overwhelming that it was in a weird way and I think you and I can appreciate this because it makes our work better. But I was able to use that as like oh I think I didn't I don't want to feel this.
22:26.89
kelliwalkercoaching
Right? Yeah naturally.
22:28.89
erica
And I wish that I'd gotten the thing I wanted and worked for but in a in a way when I was able to sort of put that on a shelf and come back to it. It makes my work here better because and it makes my friendships better and it makes my relationships better by saying like I know what disappointment feels like I know what shame feels like. You can get through it and I know that sort of like polyeming this thing that was very serious but it it's it does move you know and if you can observe that urgency which is so freaking hard to do. It's like excruciating. Oh It is.
22:55.99
kelliwalkercoaching
It moves.
23:03.14
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, yeah, because it's like our skin is crawling like it's so uncomfortable. No no, it doesn't look pretty. There's no moving through that and ah and I think that's part of like that self growth is like.
23:08.25
erica
It's not this is not like a zen moment of like and look how wise I am absolutely not no.
23:19.78
kelliwalkercoaching
Maybe moving through this with tears and shaking and you know like finding the humor and all the other stuff like all of that is the right way to process something like there is no right way and it's not pretty and something that like I feel like maybe you're not giving yourself credit for or sharing is.
23:30.39
erica
Yeah.
23:36.77
erica
What.
23:39.73
kelliwalkercoaching
Well something that I thought was really wonderful and and this is something We're only really like capable of doing when we do process it like I remember no well you know you were perfectly honest with like let this just took the wind out of my so sales Bummer and then you're like you know.
23:48.91
erica
I'm so nervous. What are you gonna say.
23:56.32
erica
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:59.19
kelliwalkercoaching
Okay, what's next. Okay I'm gonna meet with an admissions person like I thought that was like I don't know I was proud of you as your friend like to sort of to feel it and feel the rejection. It would be so easy to like contract you know and pull away and and sometimes.
24:03.78
erica
Um, yeah woman. Well thank you.
24:16.16
kelliwalkercoaching
That's what we need Sometimes we need to like step away for a time but I.
24:16.38
erica
Well, you know Kelly that's Kelly that's interesting. You say that I did meet with thatdmissions person she he folly just was like absolutely not. We're not taking yet and I'm like okay and and it came up again.
24:22.67
kelliwalkercoaching
Yes, yeah.
24:32.68
erica
And I hesitated to have that and I think a lot of us anxious folks do this where we procrastinate having that making that phone call because we're afraid of like a secondary rejection it. It was a lot. It was a lot for me to and and to be completely honest, it was the reason I I like.
24:38.53
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah, absolutely it was a lot.
24:50.42
erica
Forced myself into bravery was so we could talk about it eventually here you know like I I wanted an example of like all right if I'm asking people to do this I have to do it too. Yeah.
24:52.19
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah. Right? Like that's that's if we're doing if exactly like if these are conversations we're having with people. It's about all of us walking the walk and talking the talk and leaning into each other when it doesn't go well because it that right There was a couple episodes back where you know.
25:03.81
erica
You.
25:10.51
erica
Um, yeah, yeah, um mean.
25:15.10
kelliwalkercoaching
Rejections' not if it's when we're gonna I mean I got rejected from a community college I cried for like three days like you know like it was like ten years ago I got it was like nope goodbye and I'm like but I have a bad shoulders degree what like and I'm like I heard what.
25:19.60
erica
Right? Yeah here.
25:27.51
erica
How did I get rejected when I already did the thing I.
25:33.38
kelliwalkercoaching
You know and I went on to get my master's it worked out but like I didn't know that at the time I didn't know it was going to work out of the dive at the time. The only information I had and so you know we don't have a crystal ball. We we just see what we see in the moment but it it is. It's just about sort of.
25:37.93
erica
Right? right.
25:45.89
erica
Yeah, yeah.
25:51.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Putting ourselves out there and taking care of ourselves when it doesn't go according to plan and when we're in the midst of it taking care of ourselves as best we can by slowing down we can take breathing room you know few things in this life are so urgent that we need to do it immediately right? like we usually have more breathing room then.
25:56.86
erica
Yes, yes.
26:09.20
erica
Yeah, yeah, and just really feeling an understanding that urgency does not mean accuracy and that was that's been like my rallying crowd for.
26:09.69
kelliwalkercoaching
Then we think we do.
26:19.35
kelliwalkercoaching
No, that's great. Say it again. Can you just say that again that is perfect. Yeah oh I like it though.
26:26.40
erica
Oh I will Kelly Walkca I will urgency. This is the thoughts aren't facts thing I just decided to have my own brand for no reason whatsoever. But I really believe this and I I say it to myself often is urgency does not indicate and act the accuracy of something urgency is not accuracy.
26:43.70
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah.
26:45.24
erica
And it's really hard because the entire point of our brain are snakes in the plain brain ah too soon. Ah is to act when we feel something is urgent like again, you know we've been talking about this for.
26:51.39
kelliwalkercoaching
Um.
26:59.38
kelliwalkercoaching
Yeah.
27:04.90
erica
6 years our software is not up to date. We are on like windows 5 and the world is on ios sixteen I don't know if those 2 things I do those to the s andi are there 2 things I can.
27:08.43
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, no, we're on like windows five Yeah we I mean like it sounds good but like really our software. We can't evolve as fast as civilization and technology is really. It's.
27:20.45
erica
Yeah, yeah, who.
27:24.75
kelliwalkercoaching
It it takes generations and thousands of years for like our our brain to catch up and and our brain does its best. It takes those shortcuts which like that's what speaks to the inaccuracy right? Our brain takes a lot of heuristics or shortcuts when it comes I've read something that like our brain processes. The. Equivalent of like 30 I think gigabytes of data a day. Our our phone has 64 it's like half of an iphone. It's an incredible amount of information and a lot of that is going to needs to be on like autopilot. A lot of that needs to be shortcuts or we just we couldn't process it all. It's.
27:50.55
erica
Grill.
28:01.95
kelliwalkercoaching
Are a big data processing machine and so I like that you said you know urgency doesn't mean accuracy it it doesn't it's just our brain doing what brains do they're meaning making processing machines. Um, you know, even when we're asleep so they're doing the best they can but there is a lot of biases and heuristics and. You know implicit memory and a lot of things impacting our current experience. So that's where the value is of just slowing it down and um, just as 1 one last thing I wanted to add is I saw a cool webinar from Harvard's institute of coaching and it was it was actually all about various scientists research into what made the most effective. Problem solvers. Um, because most of us even those of us that don't struggle with anxiety most of us jump straight into analyzing and solving. But this is often ineffective and eats up like precious mental bandwidth. Like we said we can only process so much information a day. Our brain takes like shortcuts like we only have so much bandwidth really the most effective problem solvers slow down and step back. They step out of the details and they ask big questions or reframe the problem like 1 of their typical questions are am i. And solving the right problem right? like have you ever been in like is there anybody else out there. That's ever been in a fight with their partner and it's like I don't think it's like about the dishes am I even solving are we even arguing about the right problem here. You know what I mean and you know or they'll ask. Is there a different way.
29:16.63
erica
Ah, he.
29:22.36
erica
Oh yeah.
29:33.28
kelliwalkercoaching
To look at this problem and it can be hard to see the value in slowing down and stepping back when there's urgency. But I think there's something to that quote you know Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone. Yeah at least for a little bit. You know we don't have to.
29:43.89
erica
I like that? Yeah yeah, yeah, well yes yes I think that's a really important thing and I know that we're like ending here but it's really important to remember. It's not like you won't come back to this again like with with putting it on the shelf.
29:51.74
kelliwalkercoaching
And don't have to ignore it.
30:00.90
kelliwalkercoaching
Right.
30:03.27
erica
It doesn't mean you you don't you know we're We're not ignoring things. We're not burying things. We're not putting things away indefinitely. We just want you right? We don't want to avoid just get that And yeah.
30:05.96
kelliwalkercoaching
No, because we know that doesn't Work. We just want to let our prefrontal cortex come back online right? If we're feeling it. Let's like let's let it get. Back online and and do what it does best because if we're feeling urgency and reactivity that is a really good red flag or indication we have already evolved into fight or flight mode and we we just we really aren't wired to make.
30:29.45
erica
Yeah.
30:35.49
kelliwalkercoaching
Slow thinking. We're not wired to like tap into what's called slow thinking I think Daniel Kinnaman talks to this and thinking fast thinking slow like we are not wired to think slow and deliberate and purposeful when we're in reactive mode. This is quick. This is you know this is just repetitious thinking this is implicit memory. it's it's quick
30:47.23
erica
Write write.
30:55.37
kelliwalkercoaching
And it makes sense. You know if you're walking down the road and a bus is hurling at you. You don't you don't want to waste time cognitively processing that you want your body to just kind of take care of the situation. Yeah.
31:05.46
erica
Right? I Um I think it's also a good reminder that this part of our brain although sometimes antiquated feeling or maybe not super duper helpful in certain moments. It is important. You know, Um. We We just want to make more space for when we do have to act with urgency. Not everything has the same level of urgency. But when we do like when we have to write? Yeah, but if if we make more space for it by doing this work then when we need to act in an urgent situation. We have the.
31:25.25
kelliwalkercoaching
Right now. It's a spectrum I Love that you say that it's a huge spectrum.
31:40.90
kelliwalkercoaching
Right? It's more accessible to us. So I'm gonna just leave our listeners with a reflection. You know we're gonna We're gonna do. We're gonna leave a little coaching reflection for our listeners here. So after hearing this I leave you beautiful listeners with the following reflection.
31:40.50
erica
The ability to do So yeah, Ah, okay.
31:56.59
erica
See.
31:59.30
kelliwalkercoaching
Can you think of a time however, seemingly small or insignificant when taking a step back was a value even if there was some urgency doubt or distress present and that's our episode. Thanks Oh go ahead.
32:15.60
erica
wait wait wait wait wait. wait no this is really important. Um I don't know if you read this but um in Hawaii it's illegal to laugh loudly.
32:18.50
kelliwalkercoaching
Oh whoops sorry I jumped the gun.
32:31.54
erica
Did you know that? well it would have been of. You didn't ask. It's illegal but it's illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaiiian and then you say oh my God really and then I say yeah.
32:31.94
kelliwalkercoaching
Is this a joke Oh is is that true and am I missing it I'm missing it. Oh my God really.
32:51.40
erica
Apparently ah, you need to stick to just a low ha and that's our episode. Thank you for tuning in today. But we've we've had. We've had better banter but this this brings so much joy to my life.
33:03.29
kelliwalkercoaching
Um, ah that um was a really great dad joke. Thank you. That's.
33:09.34
erica
This flop I've been this is my brand of flirting by the way. So I've been like really leaning into this heart in my like new dating life and it doesn't well well it it is now I.
33:17.25
kelliwalkercoaching
Ah, is that on your dating app like is that your dating app like I crushed ad jokes just that's all I want you to say about yourself I crushed at Jokes period.
33:28.18
erica
Yeah I am I'm not but it's still my favorite activity. So anyway, please leave a rating or redo code.
33:32.66
kelliwalkercoaching
That is our love dad jokes that is our episode. Thanks so much for tuning in today if you're enjoying the show and dad jokes please subscribe and take a minute to write a review on Itunes that we can reach and support more people if you're looking for one-on-one coaching or have a question you'd like answered on the show. Please visit notanotheranxietyshow.com and until next time remember be kind to yourself.
